More on the Autism bit. Plus - recovered memories!

Margalit is simply too passionate about her kids to ever consider she might be one of the types of people to use an excuse to avoid real parenting.

Here's my thing though. I mentioned in comments that there are, quote, homeschooling families, that simply don't school. They don't even unschool, they just let the kids run amuck and ruin it for everyone else. Some of them are aware of what they're doing, some of them have simply given up and the kids are old enough to quit school by law. The clincher is that there are also those that don't realize they're doing anything wrong.

They're not doing anything. How then...could they be ...wrong?

It's so easy to get caught up in one's own daily life, the job, the relationship, the bills, the cars, the maintenance, the medical. These things aren't unfamiliar. But they also easily become too much. So much that a parent would UN-knowingly succumb to the ease of medications for his/her kid?

"I need a vacation!"
"I just need five minutes. Five minutes. Silence."
-And here's one there are women in my family that have said when we discuss the whole work/stay home issue- "I couldn't stand it if I had to be home with them everyday. I'd go crazy, I know it."

(does anyone here think for an instant that I don't periodically go crazy? have ya checked that line under the shrek picture?)

My point now is that too many people still take expert advice to weigh more than their own knowledge. Margalit's right. There are a gazillion published works on the subject (and every other) and I can't imagine...

Wait. I didn't think of this earlier because I was thinking more about my friends' kids, but I do have a diagnosed kid in my family. (This is father's side, where they're all bananas. Mother's side's just plain nuts. We won't discuss the ice cream...)

Jay's my cousin by marriage. He was three when his folks got together and already damaged from his mother's (admitted) mistakes in her previous life-choices. Now Jay's three, with a new father, a man who takes too easily, in Jay's eyes, to his mother. A man who lays down the law and doesn't take the highway for an answer. I know he spanked Jay once in a while, but I'm also confident that he never beat him. And, I'm confident he didn't allow Jay a sense of self, let alone any confidence of his own.

Flash forward six years. Jay's nine and diagnosed. He's got the whole lot - ADD, ADHD, and Autism. He's in the fourth grade. He's wearing glasses, his classmates pick on him, his father's constantly berating him, his mother's had a daughter and now another son - and the father's son, no less, thus likely the new chosen one - and now his own doctor's ratted him out. He's medicated.

I didn't spend much time with their family after the youngest kid was born. The family, as a whole, had pretty much fallen apart by then. That's not important though, not really.

The kid remained medicated through high school. Of course, the first year, back when he was a seeminly healthy, attention sponge and energetic nine-year-old, (did I mention in the way? He was), the parents raved!

"Oh! We've noticed a change in Jay since...well, just about since he took the first dose! He's so much better now! We can actually do things as a family again!"

I hated hearing this. I saw right through it all - I was old enough by then, haha - and understood that indeed, Jay was in the way of everything his parents wanted for themselves at this point in their lives. He was an unexpected kid to begin with for his mother. Now he was an unwanted kid in his own home. Sad, eh? Yep, this is what life's about... (good grief!)

Well, I think it was while Jay was still in middle school that he started selling his pills to classmates. He was brought up on charges and ...can ya guess? The authorities allowed the parents the priviledge to decide whether to charge the kid with a misdemeanor or a felony.

What do you think they did?

From what I gather, the system allowed the parents to drop the felony from the kid's record when he was seventeen.

The real reason I didn't think of this earlier? We naturally block ugly memories from our consciousness. Until there's a real need to recall. I didn't want to think that I've got this kind of family.

Neither of the other two kids in that house, btw, have been diagnosed. But they've both also learned what buttons not to push for having the older "mule." I know, it's not every family gets more than one diagnosed, but I also know that genetics has not been ruled out.

Jay's parents had no idea they were destroying that kid. They were young, stupid, like we all were once, but they had a kid to deal with and refused to grow up completely and do it. They didn't do anything. But that's just it. They didn't smile at him, share time with him without yelling, they didn't commend the kid for doing well. Until he was drugged.

He got a hobby, playing the piano. He spent all of his free time at the keys, spent every ounce of his energy on it. Seemed to think about it constantly. Was he really that incredibly focused because he had a doctor say he was mentally off-balance or was he so intent as a means of mental escape? Plus, they did commend him for all of his effort and drive. Hmm...

So I guess there are reasons I get fired up on this topic. And it appears, though underlying as I've forced them, there are also reasons I suspect there are bunches of kids out there whose parents don't stop to think. Parents who don't even have a clue that they've helped in the creation of a child that is more of a nuisance to them than a joy. I think for parents like that, the cloud becomes so thick they cannot consider seeing through it. They've forgotten what's on the other side.

Margalit, my few friends with diagnosed kids, the nine year old I met the other day - I'm sure they are thinking parents. I'm sure the majority of parents dealing with kids that have been diagnosed are thinking people who do research before drugging their children. I can't even imagine what thought process a parent goes through when their child is diagnosed with anything that doesn't include "What could I have done to produce/reduce this?" (I've anecdotes for that one, too, but they'll wait for another day.) I have to believe this for my own sanity. Margalit, btw, has a growing history here now, continuously bringing well-appreciated light to my perspectives.

My one friend though, the one who told me the "own world" story, I worry about. I'm going to have to find a tactful way to approach her with all of this, lest our friendship falls apart because of it. So far, anytime I ask her anything about it, she repeats what "The Doctor's Have Said." (Like on Fraggle Rock? "The Trashy Has Spoken!" -sorry.) Also, I've noticed a tendency in her, no matter where we are (her home or in public), to not give her kids attention if she's in a conversation. She doesn't use the natural pauses to excuse herself to talk to her kids like most parents do. Instead, I've seen a number of times in which her kids will walk away for not being willing to wait any longer. That's an appropriate lesson to teach, but with moderation. I don't see that. So I'm a bit concerned.

What's a decent way to walk up to a friend and basically say, "What's the deal with you ignoring your kids? Do you do it because some doctor said you could?" And since most of my comments came in sounding much like my post...do you think I'm finally out of line?

Margalit, if you show up, I would like to ask you how you reacted to your own child going through the scenario. Did you read, ask questions, watch for patterns if there were any to see, before using any kinds of treatments for your son? (feel free to email that, it's under the shrek picture too)

Of course, thanks in advance. :)